Vitser og morsomheter Den store (engelske?) vitsetråden!

JackX · 13.01.2009

One for the oldies

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
....... for example, the other day my wife and I went to Taunton and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a parking warden writing out a ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age

8)

JackX · 13.01.2009

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The
salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were
placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing
member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to
coconuts?"

"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be !!."

;D

JackX · 13.01.2009

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, 'That's ONCE A DAY !!!
You could REALLY learn something from this one'
The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time ?'
----------
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable.
They say he SHOULD eventually make a full recovery...

;D

JackX · 13.01.2009

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled
out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and
undies and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his daks.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're
87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How
in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies
happily yelled in unison-- "We were at your birthday party yesterday"

;D ;D

JackX · 13.01.2009

;D ;D

JackX · 13.01.2009

A MALE BLONDE JOKE

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were
eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned
beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If
I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch,
saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the
bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired
he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

are you ready for it....................

it's worth the wait ...........................

here it comes ...............................

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

:

;D

JackX · 13.01.2009

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh...

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

:-[ ;D

JackX · 13.01.2009

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She ask him why he is staring he replies - I have a question to ask you, but I don't won't to offend you>

She answers 'my son you can not offend me when you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have. You get a chance to see and hear just about everthing. I'm sure there is nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

'Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'well lets see what we can do about that.'

1= you have to be single
2= you have to be catholic

The cab driver is very excited 'Yes I am single and catholic'.

OK the nun says pull into the next alley. the nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush but when they get back in the road the cab driver starts crying.

My dear child said the nun why are you crying?

Forgive me for I have sinned, I lied and I must confess - I am married and I am jewish.

The nun says, 'that's OK my name is Eric and I am going to a halloween party

:-X :-\ ;D

JackX · 13.01.2009

First Class Blonde

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
:

;D

Boffen · 13.01.2009

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

ØivindJ · 13.01.2009

Two canibals are eating a clown. One asks the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

JackX · 14.01.2009

Ten Dollar Jar

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?"

The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do....

First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE
thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you
have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!

"Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his
body.

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

;D

JackX · 14.01.2009

Rabbit Joke
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again
and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

:

:

JackX · 14.01.2009

Goodbye Daddy

A father is putting his three-year old daughter to bed. He tells her a story, and then listens to her prayers before tucking her in. She ends them, saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."

Her father thinks, What an odd thing to say, and then asks "Why 'goodbye grandpa'?" "I don't know, Daddy," she replies, "it just came out that way." By a strange coincidence, the next day the old man keels over.

A few months later, as her father puts her to bed, the prayers go like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma." The next day the old lady dies.
At this point, the father is convinced his daughter has some psychic connection with The Other Side.
So when several weeks later she says in her prayers, "God bless Mommy, and goodbye Daddy," you can imagine his reaction.

After a sleepless night, he goes to the office, and stays at his desk all day. Can't eat a thing, worried that he might choke to death on a donut. Doesn't touch his computer or telephone, afraid of electrocution. Locks the door in case anyone is thinking it's a good day to go psycho. Stays at work after hours afraid of the commute home. Every creak, every sound has him convinced the building is about to collapse. Finally midnight comes and he is still breathing. He figures the risk has passed and heads home.

His frazzled wife meets him at the door, "Where have you been? Why didn't you call? What's wrong?"
He drops into the easy chair and says, "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She says, "You think you had a bad day, you won't believe what happened to me...........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.............This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

BT · 15.01.2009

Håper det er ok at jeg ikke gidder å oversette denne til engelsek...

Et ektepar skulle på et ordentlig fint maskeradeball. Kona, som plutselig fikk hodepine, ba mannen om å gå alene. Han protesterte, men kona sa at etter hun hadde tatt et par hodepinetabletter skulle hun gå og legge seg, så han trengte ikke være hjemme. Så han tok på seg kostymet sitt og dro i vei.

Etter en times tid våknet kona. Hodepinen var borte, og ettersom det enda var tidlig på kvelden, bestemte hun seg for å kle på seg og dra på festen. Mannen hennes visste ikke hvordan kostymet hennes så ut, så hun tenkte at hun skulle spionere på ham, og se hvordan han oppførte seg når hun ikke var med.

Hun kom til ballet, og etter et par minutter så hun sin mann på dansegulvet. Han danset klinsj med en skikkelig 'babe', flørtet, klemte litt her og der. Kona, som var en veldig attraktiv kvinne, begynte å flørte med ham uten gi seg til kjenne, og sakte men sikkert klarte hun å fange oppmerksomheten hans fullstendig. Han forlot 'baben' på dansegulvet og tok initiativet med denne nye 'sexbomben'.

Etter et par drinker havnet de i baksetet på bilen hans og hadde seg
både lenge og vel før de vendte tilbake til festen.

Maskene skulle fjernes ved midnatt, og like før dette, forlot kona festen og dro hjem og la seg. Hun lurte på hvilken unnskyldning mannen ville komme med etter denne skrekkelige oppførselen. Hun satt i sengen og leste da han kom hjem, og spurte om han hadde hatt det hyggelig? 'Du vet hvordan det er, det er ikke noe gøy når ikke du er med', sa han. Hun spurte: 'Danset du mye?' 'Nei', svarte han. 'Ikke en eneste gang. Da jeg kom, traff jeg Johan, Peter og de andre gutta, så vi gikk inn i et annet rom og spilte kort hele kvelden.' Kona sa: 'Du må ha sett passelig dum ut, sitte å spille poker i det kostymet', sa hun passe sarkastisk. Neida, jeg ga kostymet mitt til fattern, og han hadde tydeligvis hatt en megakveld...

JackX · 15.01.2009

;D ;D ;D

----------

BT skrev:
Håper det er ok at jeg ikke gidder å oversette denne til engelsk...

For all del ... en vitsetråd, på norsk eller engelsk, er hva HFS trenger 8)

JackX · 18.01.2009

Beach Balls

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice,
She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his
blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to
strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir," she began. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that is what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

vredensgnag · 18.01.2009

A man well in his seventies comes running into the Church of Our Blessed Lady and makes a beeline for the confessional booths at the end.
He rushes inside a booth, sits down, and breathes heavily from the exertion
"Yes, my son," says the priest taking confessionals. "Confess your sins."
"Thank you, father. Yes, I have truly sinned. Twice, in fact. With two beautiful young twins, at the same time. Can you imagine, an old man such as I, having such luck?"
"Have you had sexual intercourse with a pair of twins, you say? That is truly a grave sin."
"It is, isn't it?"
"But forgive me, who are you, I don't remember seeing you here before?"
"I'm Abraham Goldfarb."
"Goldfarb? Are you Catholic?"
"Catholic, with a name like that? No, of course not, I'm Jewish."
"Then what are you doing here in the confessional?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
And Abraham rushes out and into the street.

JackX · 18.01.2009

Double blondes...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

;D :

;D

Spiralis · 19.01.2009

JackX skrev:
Double blondes...

MaKi · 19.01.2009

Three italian wise-guys sat around a table. One says to the others:
Have you heard about the Chinese mobsta? He made dem an offa they couldn't understand...

Boffen · 19.01.2009

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We
took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House, and
now half the country is looking for work.

JackX · 19.01.2009

Tor Nado skrev:
BushCo

JackX · 20.01.2009

Horse I

One day I walk into a bar and order a few beers. I then notice a jar full of money and I inquired the bartender about what it's for. The bartender told me that people would put money in and try to make the horse out back laugh. If they did, they get the jar. So I gave it a try. A few minutes late I came back in and the horse was laughing his ass off, so I got the money.

Next month, I came in and there was a jar with a little less money in it, and I asked the bartender what it was for. He said it was for all the people that tried to make the horse cry. So I gave it a try. I came back in about a minute later and the horse was crying hysterically so I got the money.

Before I left, the bartender asked me how I made the horse laugh last time and made him cry this time.

I said, "To make him laugh I told him I was more hung than he was and to make him cry I showed him."

Horse II

The Horse and the Girl

There's a farm and on this farm there was a horse and a girl. The horse asks the girl to go for a walk with him, and she accepts. So while they're walking the horse slips in the mud. The girl shouts, "OMG! I'll go get the BMW!" She comes back a minute later with the BMW, ties a rope to the horse and pulls him out. The horse thanks the girl.

The next day the girl asks the horse to go for a walk with her. The horse accepts. While they're walking the girl takes a spill in the mud. She says, "HELP ME HORSY!" So the horse says, "I don't need a BMW, grab on!" The girl then grabs onto the horses dong and with a grunt, the horse lifts the girl out of the mud. The girl thanks the horse.

Moral of the story: you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks, you just need to be hung like a horse.

erato · 21.01.2009

Camilla Parker Bowles

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding to Charles, which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,

'Charles, darling, please help remove my shoes...... my feet are killing me.'
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
'Harder!' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on, Give it all you've got.' she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, 'There. Oh, God, that feels so good!

'In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that, she had to still be a virgin!'

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, God, darling. This one's even tighter!'

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man.'

Boffen · 21.01.2009

En sann historie fra virkeligheten.

My story isn't really a tale of ignorance, but it's still of entertaining value to the ISP technical people--

Me: ...so then rightclick the connection icon, and click on prop-

Him: Hold on. My dog's having a seizure.

(20 second pause) I've got to go. I'll call back later.

Me: Ok.

(15 minutes later)

Me: Technical Support, how may I help you?

Him: Ok. I shot my dog. It's dead. I was rightclicking the icon. What next?

Sick. Sick. Sick.

JackX · 17.03.2009

The Genie & The Broken Bottle

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

;D

JackX · 21.09.2009

The Genie mkII
==========================================

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.

The friend asks the genie,

"Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will'" the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing.

Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?

;D

JackX · 23.09.2009

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?''

Watson: ''I see millions and millions of stars.''

Holmes: ''And what does that tell you?''

Watson: ''Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?''

Holmes: ''Somebody stole our tent 8)

JackX · 24.09.2009

Make sure you read this all the way to the end....

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

:

:'( ;D

xerxes · 24.09.2009

JackX skrev:
Make sure you read this all the way to the end....

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

: :'( ;D

Ikke jeg. Jeg har ikke lange fingre heller....

Pixy · 25.09.2009

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly felt a desperate urge to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly realized that I was listening to my iPod...

JanR · 25.09.2009

Pixy skrev:
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly felt a desperate urge to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly realized that I was listening to my iPod...

LMAO ;D

/jan

coolbiz · 06.10.2009

Q. What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A. One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year.

_________________________________________________

Q. Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A. Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

BT · 06.10.2009

Prøver en på norsk, som jeg hørte på radioen på veg til jobb i dag (godder ikke oversette til engelsk).

MAnnen glemte bryllupsdagen og spurte kona etterpå hva han kunne gjøre for å gjøre det godt igjen. Hva som helst! Ok, sa kona, da må det stå en gave utenfor her i morgen som gjør 0 - 100 på under 6 sekunder. Dagem etterå¨sto det en faktisk gave utenfor, og kona pakket opp. Inni var det en badevekt.

JackX · 06.10.2009

Henry Ford dies ...

... and goes to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, youve been such a good guy, and your invention the Assembly line for the automobile changed the world." As a reward he takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking ?"
God asks, "What do you mean ?"
"Well", says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. Theres too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintanance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm", replies God, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to my statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

juster · 06.10.2009

[No message]

JackX · 15.10.2009

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 11-year-old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into
tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no
Santa' speech."

"At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech."

"When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth
fairy' speech."

"If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really
get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
__________________

JackX · 06.08.2010

A Towel !!

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.

No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man.

While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied, so they return to the rabbi and he says,

"Let's try it reversed.

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck, that's how you wave a towel"

HC · 06.08.2010

A blonde goes to one of her friends and asks how she can get rid of her husband's dandruff. The friend says to give him "Head and Shoulders". The blonde says ok but how do I give shoulders?

Vitser og morsomheter Den store (engelske?) vitsetråden!

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