Vitser og morsomheter Den store (engelske?) vitsetråden!

[coolbiz]

Five surgeons are discussing which types of patients are the easiest to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Los Angeles , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'

The fourth surgeon, from San Francisco chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers....Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable."

 

[Fenalaar]

I disse dager, så er denne relevant...



Johan-Kr

 

[coolbiz]

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

[Spiralis]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a small bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.’


‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher.
‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?’

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’

 

[TT.]

Why do everybody call me Fuck off when my name is Ranjihv?

 

[Retep]

I tiden med hestekjøtt i både det ene og andre produktet så overhørte jeg en samtale på et lite lokalt slakteri i Skottland.

Do you have any problems now with horsemeat in the meat du have here, said the costumer to the man with the big knife behind the counter. No, the man replyed, we only take meat from people we know, and from stable enviroment.

 

[coolbiz]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!". "That must've been really scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... "And before he could say "Fuck off," the rottweiler ate him".

 

[Spiralis]

Custer's Last Thoughts


An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall,
so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff,
and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went
through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on
business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the
finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a
halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual
positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed
the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an
interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look
at all those fucking Indians.'"

 

[vredensgnag]

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.
"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,
"Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

 

[ePi]

Custer's Last Thoughts

 

[Spiralis]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

[BurntIsland]

What is the similarity between the starship USS Enterprise and toilet paper?



both is circling Uranus looking for Klingons.

 

[Spiralis]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the buggy and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a word or two of thanks, she got in the buggy.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

 

[TT.]

 

[Retep]

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

 

[OAlex]

En engelskmann fortalte meg følgende uakseptable vits:

Q: What do you tell a woman with two blue eyes?
A: You already told her.

 

[coolbiz]

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.

 

[Spiralis]

A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.
The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The black guy says to the redneck: "You see how clever us blacks are? You rednecks can never beat that!"
The redneck says to the black guy: "Watch this, any redneck is smarter than ya'll, and I'll prove it to ya."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which the redneck promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.
He eats this one, too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.
The redneck eats this one, too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is this famous magic trick?!!"
The redneck says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"

 

[Panama Red]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

[coolbiz]

 

[FrodeR]

Ber om tilgivelse for å legge ut noe fra Canada. Denne fant jeg blant flere i en pub i Toronto.

 

[Spiralis]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience about the perils of drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.

Well, this past Friday, I was out enjoying a post-Christmas evening with friends.

I had a few cocktails, followed by some glasses of Chardonnay. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police roadblock on the highway. But, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident.

This was both a great relief and surprise.....because I had never driven a cab before! I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it's in my garage, Geez....I don't know what to do with the damn thing!

 

[Townes]

En engelskmann fortalte meg følgende uakseptable vits:

Q: What do you tell a woman with two blue eyes?
A: You already told her.

Thi hi. Uakseptabel, javel, men eg måtte flire alikevel.

 

[coolbiz]

 

[coolbiz]

Punography 101.

 

[coolbiz]

 

[coolbiz]

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and
lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[erato]

I was on a homeopathic medicine once and I forgot to take my pill. I nearly died of an overdose.

1st nice lady: I have a terrible headache
2nd nice lady: Oooh, please have one of my homeopathic headache pills (rummages in bag)
1st nice lady: (dubious tone) I'm not sure, it really is a very bad headache
2nd nice lady: Well you better take two then.

 

[coolbiz]

(20 Jokes That Only Intellectuals Will Understand. Number 5 Took Me A Minute.)

 

[BurntIsland]

Nr 12 "tar" jeg ikke..

 

[Lydolf]

Tenk litt på tallsystemer, så skjønner du nok Nr 12 også.

 

[coolbiz]

Did you hear about the shark who complained about a loose canine?

 

[coolbiz]

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

(Benny Hill)

 

[grammofon]

Did you hear about the shark who complained about a loose canine?

En hai og en sei møttes på byen.
Seien: - Hay, Hay
Haien: What did you sei?

 

[coolbiz]

...

En hai og en sei møttes på byen.
Seien: - Hay, Hay
Haien: What did you sei?

Ålen: "Nothing at ål".

 

[grammofon]

Ålreit da. Da stopper vi der....eller er det flere blødmer??

 

[cruiser]

Whats the difference between acne and a Priest?
Acne waits til your 13 to come on your face

 

[BT]

Tenk litt på tallsystemer, så skjønner du nok Nr 12 også.

Det finnes 10 typer mennesker: de som skjønner det binære tallsystemet og de andre.

 

[coolbiz]

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

 

[coolbiz]

'I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'

George Carlin (1937-200)