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Vitser og morsomheter Den store (engelske?) vitsetråden!
- Trådstarter JackX
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Diskusjonstråd Se tråd i gallerivisning
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I went to the Zoo yesterday. They had only one animal there. It was a Shih Tzu.
- Ble medlem
- 08.03.2002
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- 2.429
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PASTOR ON HIS DEATH BED...
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go!!"
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An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas..........
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music , as decreed by his religion and;
in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: What are you doing man?
The Texan answers: In the time of the prophet there were no taxis....
So get out and wait for a camel.
Redneck murders are so hard to solve - there are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.TTorget
Gjest
Irony is lost on kleptomaniacs, because they take things literally
TTorget
Gjest
Der var jaggu den andre jeg prøvde å huske også:
"What do you get when you cross a joke with rhetorical question?"
Haha, den er så dårligTTorget
Gjest
En elendig en til:
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits".
Hva med disse fra selveste Dave Allen:
CCyber
Gjest
Do you know why oysters don't give to charity? They are shellfish.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll get rid of him for the weekend.
”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”
”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
A duck walks into a bar, approaches the counter and orders a sandwich. He says to the bartender, “Listen, I’m a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The work will last for some time and I’ll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a sandwich. How about a discount?”
The bartender, shocked as he has never encountered a talking duck before, agrees to give the duck a small discount for his daily sandwiches.
The duck takes his sandwich, pays, thanks the bartender and goes out.
The bartender immediately calls his friend who owns a circus:
“Listen, there’s a talking duck coming to my bar. Come tomorrow around lunchtime, you gotta see this for yourself!”‘
So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar. Sure enough, the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a sandwich.
The circus manager overcomes his awe and says:
“Hello sir, I’m a circus owner and I want to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels. Really, whatever you want!”
The duck considers his offer for a moment and says:
“So you’re a circus owner, right?”
“Right.”
“And your circus is one of those big tents, right?”
“Right.”
“With a sandy arena in the middle?”
“Yes.”
“And with rows of seats around?”
“Of course.”
“So what the heck do you need a bricklayer for?”
- Ble medlem
- 08.03.2002
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I was fed up with being burglarized every other day in my neighborhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system and de-registered from our local Neighborhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Flag of ISIS in its center.
Now, the local police, the Highway Patrol, Homeland Security, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, MI-5 and every other intelligence service in the USA and Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day, and my wife too, when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I've never felt safer.
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THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of Heart Disease. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Again Judy remarried, and this time she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?" Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel."Sist redigert:
What is the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake Jewelry.
There was this farmer and he was having a lot of trouble with his hens. He read an advertisement in a newspaper for a Super-cock: 'Five hundred dollars: we guarantee to double the fertility of your chickens.'
Five hundred dollars is five hundred dollars, and so it took the farmer a couple of weeks to reckon that it was worth it.
Finally, a week after he sent his cheque off, a truck arrived, the back doors were swung open, and the driver pulled out a large case with 'Super-cock' written all over it in red, white and blue. No sooner had the farmer opened the case than out sprang Super-cock.
'Where is the hen house?' cried Super-cock. Amazed, the farmer pointed up some steps. Super-cock immediately ran over and up the steps and disappeared into the hen-house. Fifteen minutes later Super-cock emerged, victorious.
The farmer said, 'That was fantastic, I have never seen anything like it before in my life. You just sit down here and eat your fill of this grain.'
'No, no. Do you have any ducks? I love ducks also,' said the Super-cock. The farmer tried to get Super-cock to rest, as he knew how easily these new strains of cock became exhausted, and he had, after all, cost him five hundred dollars. Ten minutes later Super-cock returned from the stream where the farmer had reluctantly told him that the ducks were.
Now the farmer was really angry at Super-cock and told him that he really had to rest or he would kill himself. 'You must have some turkeys? Which way is it to the turkeys?' cried the Super-cock. The farmer was so exasperated that he threw his arms in the air and walked off. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Super-cock strutting off in the direction of the turkey-house.
An hour later he happened to look up in the sky and saw buzzards wheeling over his nearby field. Cursing and swearing under his breath, he walked over to where he could now see, sure enough, his five hundred dollar Super-cock dead in the field -- on his back with his feet raised in the air. Just as he was just about to pick Super-cock up by the legs, Super-cock opened one eye and said, whispering, 'Go away, go away. They are getting nearer.'
Who is the angriest Country singer in the world?
Pissed Pistofferson.An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
Q: What's not green and rhymes with "lie"?
A: A Volkswagen TDI.
I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
He said: "You can't".
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: "You can't, she's also your half-sister. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's also your half-sister."
She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"
Max Miller (1894-1963)
Det er vel nærmest en vits - her kan man sjekke kunnskapen om engelsk uttale:
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
Limeric excerpts er fine eksempler, ofte "saftige"
There once was a girl from Orton
With a fart like a 650 Norton
There was a young girl named Priscilla
Who flavoured her cunt with Vanilla
This well hung man from Kent
Had a Cock so long that it bent
so instead of coming he went
And the list goes on.....
What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
[FONT="]“I got ripped off in Ireland recently. I bought some cocaine from Limerick but the third and fourth lines were a lot shorter.”[/FONT]
BLACK TESTICLES
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
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A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?Once there was this hunter named Terry, out in the forest, hunting bears.
As Terry approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bear's body is gone!
He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Terry looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". Terry, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires Terry. "Give me a blow job." "What??" "On your knees" So, Terry obliges, and leaves the clearing.
Well, Terry's pissed-off. "Humiliated by a bear!", he thinks to himself. "I'll teach that bastard". He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. "I've got you now, bear", Terry says to himself, and opens fire from behind the rock.
Again, after the smoke clears, Terry runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. "You just tried to kill me again, didn't you?". Says the bear. "Uh, no. No I didn't", lies Terry. "Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your legs off" "Ok! I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires Terry. "Drop your pants and bend over" "No way!" "Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off." "Alright! I'll do it, you bastard" So, Terry obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.
"I'll fucking get the bastard this time", Terry thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, Terry runs down to the clearing. No bear.
Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. "You're not here for the hunting, are you?", says the bear.
Always remember the difference between the panda that eats shoots and leaves, and the vacationing hunter who eats, shoots, and leaves!
Uncle skal i denne sammenheng ikke skrives med stort U!
Om det var så enkelt ...
Regelen er at "kinship names" tar stor bokstav når de står foran personens navn, eller når de står alene, i stedet for personens navn. Så det står nok rett utfra den regelen.
Men så har man en annen regel om at det ikke skal stå med stor forbokstav dersom det kommer etter et eiendomspronomen, og her står det med your Uncle Jack.
Man kan også påstå at Jack burde stå innenfor komma, som: your uncle, Jack, off a horse.Sist redigert:
Så du er enig meg meg!? Der er egentlig to ting jeg vil frem til, 1 "vitsen" ville blitt bedre om meningsforskjellen blir utløst ved endring av bare ett bokstav 2 skal mann først vitse om bruken av store bokstav bør mann være helt sikker! -
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