Fant ingen vitsetråd når jeg søkte, det var litt rart syns jeg? Så lager en tråd for vitser, dvs tørre vitser som er min favoritt-type. Litt engelsk-inspirert.
Del din favoritt!
Her er noen til å begynne med:
To gutar sit i sandkassa. Så seier den eine: "Faren min har to tissar." "Korleis det?", seier den andre. Guten seier: "Han har ein som han tissar med, og ein som mamma pussar tennene med."
Vet du hvordan du får en enarmet svenske ned fra en flaggstang??
- Du vinker til ham.
Det var en mann som var så tynn at når han gikk forbi en lyktestolpe på baksiden, så var han vekke i femten minutter.
Han hadde også bare en boble i boblejakken sin.
Hvis du har 5 appelsiner i den hånden og 6 epler i den andre, hva har du da?
- Jo enormt store hender.
A group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.Ron, their leader, a big burly man, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, Ron gets applause from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
(It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.)
Det var 2 svensker og 1 nordmann som jobbet i London.
Hver fredag tok de noen pints på stam puben.
Tragisk nok så døde nordmannen, men svenskene gikk fortsatt på puben.
En dag sa den ene svensken: Vet du at nordmannen hadde 2 rævhøl?
:Å, sa den andre.
:Hver gang vi kom sa bartenderen: Here comes the norwegian with the two assholes
A Scotsman Englishman and a Irishman Were drinking in a NY City bar.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Two men and a woman are being interviewed by the CIA to become an assassin. There is only one opening and they need to winnow that number down.
They give the first man a gun and say "We need absolute obedience. No questions asked. Behind that door, sitting in the chair, is your wife. You must shoot and kill her."
He takes the gun, goes in, they close the door. ...silence.
He comes out, crying and says "I can't do that. I love her too much."
first man out. It's the second guy's turn.
they give him the gun and the same speech.
He goes in, the door closes and, immediately he comes out and says "That's too much. I could never do that.
Now, it's the lady's turn. They give her the gun and say "We need absolute obedience. No questions asked. Behind that door, sitting in the chair, is your husband. You must shoot and kill him."
She goes in, they close the door. At first there's no noise. Then they hear a band followed by more silence. Then they hear banging and screaming. After a few minutes of that she comes out and says.
"You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The young woman was about to have one of her first medical exams. Curriculum was O. Hare «On the Abdomen». Unfortunately she was not able to answer anything of what she was asked about.
«But haven`t you read Hare`s «On the Abdomen?» the examiner exclaimed.
»No, sir. It`s black and curly»
Under en forelesning i anatomi ble en kvinnelig student kalt fram for å plassere diverse muskler ved å peke på et skjelett. Det startet greit nok med biceps og triceps osv, men etter hvert ble det stadig mer stotrende.... til slutt klarte hun såvidt å presse fram " - og der sitter penis...". "Jojo" kommenterte professoren smilende, - "det kan vel skje ved festlige anledninger... dette er nemlig et kvinneskjelett......"
En søring er på ferie i Finnmark. Han går inn på en bar, begynner å drikke, og kommer etterhvert i snakk med en finnmarking. Etter en stund spør finnmarkingen: skal du være med på fest? Søringen tenker at det kanskje er en god idé da det var ganske dødt på baren og spør: hva slags fest er det? Finnmarkingen svarer: vi skal drikke, pule og sloss. Søringen synes det høres bra ut og spør: hvor mange er det som kommer? Finnmarkingen svarer; det blir bare oss to
Et par jegere fra New Jersey er ute i skogen når en av dem faller i bakken. Han ser ikke ut til å puste, og øynene hans ruller bakover inn i hodet. Den andre fyren fisker fram mobiltelefonen og ringer nødsentralen.
«Vennen min er død! Hva kan jeg gjøre?»
Operatøren sier i en beroligende tone:
«Bare slapp av, jeg er her for å hjelpe. Først, la oss forsikre oss om at han er død.»
Det blir stille, så høres et skudd. Jegerens stemme kommer tilbake i telefonen:
«Ok, og hva nå?»
Så var det konferansieren (jeg....) som presenterte neste låt på programmet;
"Og nå kommer den nydelige klassikeren "My Heart Will Go On" - fra filmen om båten som krasjet med isbilen"
Klarte ikke å la være å ta denne tørre - da anledningen bød seg på streamet konsert nylig.
Det stod mellom denne eller å bruke hjerteinfarktet jeg fikk på øvelse med samme gjengen i høst.......
Enrages that in the modern world you need to understand everything. You decided to buy, say, a bicycle. Visited sites selling bikes. With the help of Wikipedia, among dozens of categories, you found the type that you need (cruise? City? Track? What do you want from me ?!). Having scrolled through ten pages of the Yandex market, I looked at an inexpensive beautiful bike in a more or less respected store, but it bothers you that the same one is displayed next to it, but 10k cheaper. I wonder why? You compare the two models and you find the difference - one has a front bushing made of steel, and the other has a titanium alloy (and the other does not have a bottle holder). It's high time to ask a long-overdue question - why should I understand all this? I just want to pedal down the street!
Well, you drive in this very question - what is the difference between the titanium alloy sleeve and the steel sleeve? There is a lot of everything that you do not need, but there is an interesting link - on the forum of the Faculty of Physics, two graduate students argue about why there is such a difference in price for two bushings. One argues that the matter is in weight, the second is in the durability and price of the starting material. Then the supervisor of both graduate students comes and gently notes, closing the discussion, that the question is incorrect, since there are many varieties of steel and titanium alloys, and it is incorrect to reason without specifying specific grades. What the fuck? You google the manufacturers of bushings and finally find specific brands of used materials, but since the topic is closed, and there is no one to ask, you find an email of one of the graduate students and write him a letter with a question.Finally, you skip to the godforsaken sites, where varieties of steel and titanium alloys are mentioned.
You go to bed and you dream that there are two bicycles for sale in a dusty rural store - the one with white tires, a little more expensive. You wake up from a knock on the door. Two polite men in civilian clothes ask you strange questions - why are you interested in titanium alloys? Do you often visit aviation forums? What do you know about the Besovets fighter project? You say everything honestly - I choose a bike, I don't go, I don't know anything, but you yourself understand that just now I accidentally wandered into the wrong site. Visitors leave, but promise to return if they understand that you were not honest. You are very interested in what kind of fighter this is, but you are holding yourself back.
In the evening, an answer comes from a graduate student - the specified brands differ in specific strength, strength at high temperatures and other strengths, but for a bicycle hub it does not matter, because to reach the temperature at which the differences between the two hubs are noticeable, you will either have to drive along a salt lake at a speed of 800 km / h, or drive into an open-hearth furnace with the front wheel. You write a letter - thank you very much for your answer, but then why are the two bicycle hubs so different in price?
In an Internet cafe, you come in a baseball cap pulled up to your very nose, launch Thor from a flash drive and download everything that is on the request "Deesovets fighter" "in different forms. You pay in cash for the time. At home, you reinstall the system and view all the information you have collected. It turns out that the project of this fighter was closed a year ago for going beyond the budget, already TITANIC, and the workshop was disbanded and transferred to different projects. The chief aircraft designer of "Besovets" moved to the states, but mysteriously died just a couple of months later. Ambitious tasks were set before the Besovets team, but there was no information anywhere about what happened to the prototype, although it became clear that at the time of closing the project was already at the testing stage. Interesting, but you have to go to bed
The question torments you at work as well. You google the first and last name of the youngest member of the mysterious fighter development team, and your instinct doesn't let you down - on the fifth page of Google, you find him on Instagram. The profile is open, the last photo was uploaded about a year ago. It shows a smiling guy showing off a caught fish. Geotag indicates the village of Besovets in Karelia. You pack your suitcase.
The territory of the airbase is guarded, it is not possible for a civilian to get closer than ten kilometers. In google maps, the required area of the map is covered by a controllable and controllable forest. You decide to go down the river in a boat that you rent from a one-eyed local for a bottle of port. When you reach the fake Google maps area, you go ashore and, under cover of night, sneak towards the airbase. You see powerful searchlights of some towers ahead.
You sneak up to the barbed wire and through the trees you watch a strange picture - the soldiers are unloading a large container from a cargo plane. On the tail of the plane, there is a white sun in a blue square, inside a red square. The soldiers open the container, inside which are children in khaki robes with impenetrable bags over their heads. And then something happens that you never expected - in complete silence, your phone loudly signals a new letter. Rustles and a loud voice are heard nearby, ordering to leave with raised hands. You take off and run through the night forest. Trying to run in zigzags, you hear dogs barking and you see flashlights flickering. You run so long that you already start to panic - the forest does not end, the river bank is not visible, however, the pursuers seem to have lost track. You run out onto the road. The sun hasn't risen yetbut the sky is already brightening.
Legs do not walk. Lying in the bushes by the road, you hear the sound of bicycle tires on the asphalt. A woman with a basket of berries on her back drives by slowly. You catch up with her and use all your charm and persuasiveness - the car stalled in the forest, I'm going to refuel, maybe throw it up? The woman immediately agrees to throw it up. You sit on the trunk with your legs dangling and suddenly you notice that her bike has a bottle holder.
You look at what letter your presence at the barbed fence betrayed. This is a graduate student. He compared the two bikes you linked to and noticed that not only the hub materials differ, but also the countries of assembly. Despite the fact that both firms have their legal address in the Netherlands, in fact, the assembly shop of one of them is located in Taiwan. This explains the difference in price, the graduate student notes
When you reach the house, you fall exhausted on the bed, but again guests in civilian clothes. On the go, you will come up with a story about a birthday at a friend's dacha, which dragged on until the morning, but men do not even try to bring you to clean water. They are interested in why you don't have a password on your WiFi. You answer that you have just moved into the apartment and have not yet had time to put things in order. Then a third comes in and they are whispering about something in the hallway. From their conversation you can only make out the words "Cyclops" and "Blackberries". Returning, one of them nervously knocks on the knee with some papers, and then smiles, as if he is missing out on some business, and advises to set a password on the router - you never know what attacker can go online through it. Leave.
You decide that you don't really need a bicycle. He instills fear in you with countless details about which you know too little and cannot fully trust the safety of your health. Suddenly, the brakes that were assembled at the plant where two Chinese workers had recently committed suicide, but naturally did not write about it in the news, will fail. Or did the saddle end up in the store from a batch confiscated at the border, where the inspection body embarrassed the off-scale Geiger counter? Or, for example, on some unknown forum, users are discussing whether the original model of the bicycle frame is connected with an intervertebral hernia? There are so many details that among them the one that will harm your health can easily hide among them, and it is you who will be lucky to become one of the thousands of buyers who will come across it.
Walking is good too, you decide. Walk and admire the world around you. By the way, you have long wanted to buy a good semi-professional camera? It's just not very clear why two cameras with the same number of megapixels differ in price by more than two times? We need to google ...
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
When I was 18 and in college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 21, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now...... I am looking for a girl with big tits.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
There's no paper on this side either!"
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded, "I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
SENIOR THOUGHTS AND SAYINGS
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR AGE IS ... SOME OF THESE RELATE TO YOU AND ME. AND SOME ARE FUNNY TOO!
As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It's not my age that bothers me, it's the side effects.
I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up."
As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 15 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
So you've been eating hot dogs and Big Macs all your life, but you won't take the vaccine because you don't know what's in it?
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
"Patience is the art of losing your temper slowly."
