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Vitser og morsomheter Den store (engelske?) vitsetråden!
- Trådstarter JackX
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Diskusjonstråd Se tråd i gallerivisning
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Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
Bob ate Jane's sandwich.
Bob ate Jane's colon.
A woman runs up to a policeman.
“Officer, please help! My friend has a Quality Street chocolate blocking his windpipe!"
“The purple one?”
“Yeah, that’s him.”
Saudi Arabia don't like The Flintstones.
But Abu Dhabi do!
A gorilla died of old age at the zoo. He was their only gorilla and the zoo's most popular attraction by far. The zoo owner was worried about losing money, so he told the gorilla keeper that he'd double his salary if he agreed to put on a gorilla suit, get in the cage and pretend to be a gorilla until they could find a new gorilla. The man agreed and did such a good job impersonating a gorilla that people traveled from far and wide to see him. About a month later, the new started to wear off and attendance started to dwindle. So to regain people's attention, he decided to climb out of his enclosure and hang from the ceiling of the lion's den next door. This attracted a huge crowd of people who looked on in awe and terror. After a while, the man suddenly lost his grip and fell to the floor of the lion's den. He started panicking and screaming for help and out of nowhere the lion grabbed him, threw him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Shut the hell up or you're going to get us both fired."
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.
Er visst nok av overraskelser blant besøkende på thaibarer, som fikk noe helt annet i hånda enn det de forventet....
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Nowadays, when you mention Botox, no-one raises an eyebrow.
An old, blind Marine wanders
into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool
and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while,
he yells to the bartender,
`Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?`
The bar immediately falls
absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says,
`Before you tell that joke i think it
is only fair, given that you are blind,
that you should know five things;
1. The bartender is a blonde girl
with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I`m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound
blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me
is blonde and a proffessional
weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde
and a proffessional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously,
do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?´
The blind Marine thinks for a second,
shakes his head and mutters,
`No…not if i`m gonna have to
explain it five times.`
A not so woke joke:
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?
Because its full of arab semenSist redigert:
Den der er like smakfull som vitsen om hvor mange ..... det er plass til i askebegeret i en folkevogn
Eller den om tyskerne som dytter en tanks under andre verdenskrig fordi de hadde " run out of juice"Sist redigert:
A priest, a mullah, and a rabbit went to the clinic to donate blood.
"What bloodtype are you?" -said the nurse.
"I'm probably a Type O" said the rabbit.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit and smelling of honey
You know she's a keeper
Picking up girls in a Thai bar is like a box of chocolates.Er visst nok av overraskelser blant besøkende på thaibarer, som fikk noe helt annet i hånda enn det de forventet....
You never know which ones have nuts.
-have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
-can’t say I have..
-you don’t know what you’re missing!
ik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?" Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?" Ten Hag:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United”. Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Ten Hag:"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque." Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?" Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?”
Some mornings I wake up grumpy.
Other mornings I just let her sleep in.
Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have soft hides, rated "A".
But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically "D" hide-rated.
I'd like to see a world without plagiarism.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
When the pirate captain lost his hand to the crocodile, and got the hook replacement that gave him the name we all know; where did he go to buy the hook?
in a second hand store
I saw a dwarf escaping down a prison wall the other day and I thought "hmmm.. that's a little condescending"Sist redigert: -
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Diskusjonstråd Se tråd i gallerivisning
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